Making Sense of Losing My Brother Pt. 2

I’m afraid to share my pain. We are all hurting. Some of us more than others, but we all are filled with heavy hearts and wet eyes. Although I feel like the weight of the world has been placed on my shoulders, I am afraid to share my hurt.

I know what it feels to hurt. I know how it feels to believe that life will only get worse. I know how it feels to think that death might be peace from the cyclical, devastating pain in life. Yet, I do not want to lay that weight on any one else.

It’s heavy. Real heavy. Most days I feel like I can’t stand up straight. Most days I feel like I shouldn’t be able to stand at all. I don’t want to share this load with anyone else. I know we all have our hands full already.

I didn’t cry even once during my brother’s funeral. I knew if I lost it my mother would lose it too. I held it together for her, and everyone else that was watching me and drawing from my strength.

I couldn’t keep it together at the burial. I saw my mother getting up to leave because she couldn’t take the sight of her son in a coffin. I watched my brother’s best friend in tears as he laid a jacket on the casket before they closed it in the vault. I saw two men lowering my brother towards the ground.Right next to the same place they lowered my father.

I lost it.

I couldn’t fight my tears anymore. I couldn’t protect my mom from seeing how losing her son has affected her daughter. I couldn’t be strong anymore. I sobbed heavily and nearly yelled in protest of my brother being buried. After about a minute of nonstop crying, I stopped. Crying is contagious. It places your hurt on others and I can’t share. I won’t share.

Friends and family have been calling nonstop for the past week with the same question: “Do you need anything?”

I do. I really do. I need more than anyone would ever be able to give, but I won’t ask. I can’t ask. What I need more than anything is for everyone to be ok. I need everyone to live, laugh, cry, and remember that life has a purpose.

I need everyone to love.

Although I feel like I’m crumbling. Sometimes I even feel like I’m broken beyond repair. I won’t ask you to take some of my load. I know how this hurt feels and I can never put this on anyone. I don’t know if anyone can take this much pain.